Coping Techniques

Remember it is normal for infertility to cause some stress to you and your partner and for some this will cause a major crisis. Crisis is often said to represent danger and opportunity - hopefully it will be an opportunity for all of us to grow in personal development.

We have listed some techniques which we hope you will find useful for you during these stressful periods. Because everyone is different, only some of these ideas will appeal to you, and what may work for one person may not necessarily be suitable for another. However, if your own coping techniques are not reducing stress it may be worth trying something new. Some of the following ideas may help you during your treatment.

	Prepare yourself for pregnancy with positive thoughts, a good diet and healthy exercise. These will also have a powerful effect on your wellbeing and immune system and may possibly help conception.
	Be fully informed of the treatment you are undertaking and the clinic's procedures before you commence. This will avoid anxiety about treatment whilst you are trying to conceive because you will know what to expect.
	Seek a specialist with whom you feel comfortable and who suits your personality. Get a second opinion if necessary.
	Take control of your infertility by questioning information that you are given and by establishing what options are available. This will allow you to make the best informed decision.

	Enhance your self-esteem by acknowledging you are doing all you can to have a baby and avoid blaming yourself or your partner. Consciously generate positive thoughts and feelings of mutual love and acceptance.
	Listen to your negative feelings, take some action if you can or accept the feeling. However challenge repeated negative thinking by repeatedly saying "No stop, I have already thought about this and I am doing something about it". Or accept the feeling generated and let it go, without letting it continue repeatedly.
	Tell yourself you can cope with whatever life brings you and live in the present.
	Do not allow yourself to overreact or think irrationally eg "It is terrible that I can't have a baby and life is not worth living". Challenge your overreactions at all times and avoid depression. Instead, replace it with "It is disappointing that I can't have a baby right now but I can cope with that. By persisting with treatment I will give myself the best chance of having a baby." (It wont help to exaggerate your disappointment.)
	Tell yourself "Even though I do not have control over my fertility I do have control over how I think and therefore how I feel".
	Express your distressed feelings when you need to by talking to your partner, a helpful friend or or by writing the problem down on paper.
	If you are feeling very distressed by a situation and unable to talk to a friend, consider phoning Lifeline and talking to a trained telephone counsellor - they will be happy to provide counselling support. (Australia's national telephone number is 13 1114).
	At times your emotional feelings may be overwhelming but remember to acknowledge that these feelings are normal with infertility and that better feelings will come with acceptance and through time.

	Accept that you and your partner and others are different people and therefore your response to infertility will also be likely to be different. Accept also that others may not completely understand how you feel but remember that the most important support person is YOU.
	Write a list of the things you like about yourself and your partner and learn to recall these when times are difficult. Remember your relationship is the most important to your future children.
	Frequently recall the activities that are most satisying for you as a couple and make plans to do those things which make you happy and uplift you.
	Learn to listen to your partner's feelings and opinions as well as others' and try not to label and judge; for out of respect comes love and tolerance.
	Help your relationship by not critizing your partner's personality or coping techniques. Learn to listen to his concerns equally as your own.
	Consider undergoing counselling together if problems in your relationship persist and infertility is causing a great deal of stress.
	Be tolerant. When you hear an idea or opinion that you do not like, remember it is only an expression of someone's needs, as your opinions are of your own needs. Instead, listen to their message and they will most likely listen to yours.
	Avoid trying to change other people. Instead, concentrate on you being the way you wish others to be.

	Consider classes on personal development such as conflict resolution, communication, self-esteem, assertiveness, positive thinking, or grieving to help you and your partner. Classes are often held by Worker's Education Association (in some states, and listed under "WEA" in the phone directory), community colleges, Lifeline, and by other counselling practices.
	Develop a good sense of humour and learn to laugh at yourself, at life and with others.
	Learn to look at your feelings and problems constructively. Write down the problem if necessary for clarity, people's needs, brainstorm the possible solutions and evaluate the possibilities. Rate the possiblities with plusses and minuses, then you are ready to select and implement a plan and solution.
	It is important to take time for yourself when you are on treatment and to say "no" without guilt when you need to. If this is a problem for you, as it is for many women, consider doing a course on assertiveness.
	Whenever you have a thought that starts with "I have to, I ought, I should, I'd better" - pressure statements which often involve other people's needs rather than your own - change it to "I want to". Give yourself the choice!

	Have other mutual goals in your life besides having a baby which will give you satisfaction.
	Have fun. Make a list of the 10 things you and your partner enjoy doing the most and make an agreement to do them frequently.
	Learn to take deep breaths. This will help you relax.
	Enjoy your body. Have a massage, relaxing bath, wonderful meal, make love, walk in the sand and enjoy regular physical activity.
	Keep in touch with other people. Good friends can offer you emotional support, comfort and help.
	Remind yourself. Put this list of coping techniques on your fridge as a reminder or carry it with you and remind yourself that you can cope.
	Seek support. Join a support group where people can share, support your feelings and offer friendship.

This Page ŠAnne Ozscot 1998